Originally for HumanistNetworkNews.org.  
 
December 5, 2007
 
Dear Sweet Reason,

I recently started a relationship with someone who is a believer, while I am not. In the past this has caused me lots of trouble, like people not wanting to go out with me after I have told them my beliefs. I really like this person, and want them to understand that it does not bother me that they are religious. I want to make it easier for them to live with my non-belief. What should I do?

Open-hearted

Dear Open,

You will also need to find out whether this person is uncomfortable with your disbelief, regardless of what you do. For example, if they are looking for a potential spouse who would agree to give children a religious upbringing, your openness might not matter that much.

Here are a few approaches you might try. Choose one that feels most comfortable to you--or let me inspire you to think of a better plan:

If you would rather not confront the topic head on, ask your friend to go out with you at a time they usually worship.

For example, you could ask a Christian to go on a day trip that starts early on Sunday morning. If they're willing to go, it is a hint that you can talk more freely. If they don't want to miss their worship service, you can explain that you don’t mind that constraint.

Hopefully, your willingness to get together at a different time would give the reassurance you want to offer. Still, you will need to ask yourself whether you truly can be comfortable handling such problems in the long term.

If you and your friend enjoy talking about current events and ideas, you can have a conversation about one of the many news articles about atheism and humanism that are available these days (like this article about atheist parenting (Re: Raising Non-Religious Children No Easy Task, reporternews.com, Nov. 15, 2007).

If they have the common misconception that all freethinkers dislike all religious people, that attitude will come out in the conversation, and you will have your chance to explain your own attitude.

You may want to be very direct.

That could be surprisingly easy if your relationship is becoming very serious, and you start having conversations about what has helped or harmed your past relationships.

Then you can simply say something like, "Some of my dates thought I disapproved of their beliefs just because I don't happen to be religious myself. I hope that never happens to us. I am happy to accept our differences." Then be sure to tell your friend what you appreciate about them.  Sometimes people can bridge these differences, and sometimes they can’t.

If this relationship doesn't work out, learn what you can from the experience, and don't blame yourself unnecessarily. Good luck!